The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're
hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was
a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with
the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with
the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare
hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His
orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a
special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a
general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes
there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says,
"General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through.
You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really
can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in
without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling
you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window
and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the
driver?"
Back
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill
Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained
at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye
with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said,
"Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
Back
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field
for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all
the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but
wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why?
What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
Back
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,
and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private
snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good
Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good
evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the
General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night
that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and
responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best
type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes
Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
Back
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a
3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab
tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to
get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Back
The value of an Officer VS a NCO
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy
sitting on the sidewalk. The little boy was playing with a pile of
shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him
"Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied
"I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the
company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was
still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you
doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an
NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get
the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his
pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The
little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you
building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused
and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an
officer"
Back
Do never mess with a Marine!
An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his
scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the
road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and
remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small
ridge
on the side of the road and motions for them to
follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they
hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts
himself off
and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil
Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they
follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and
weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his
platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate the motherfu**er". They run towards
him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes
running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and
says
"What the hell is going on out there
soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."
Back
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the
bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the
Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand
in line again!"
Back
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the
barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their
shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on
their faces.
The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what
the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Back
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a
dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a
dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Back
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the
field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field,
with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it
make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon
and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."
Back
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new
colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked
up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and
I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."